‘To be pregnant is to be vitally alive, thoroughly woman, and distressingly inhabited. Soul and spirit are stretched along with body – making pregnancy a time of transition, growth, and profound beginnings.’
Anne Christian Buchanan
Now I’ve unveiled what has for several months been a private, inner secret my pregnancy now feels real and undeniable. Although I feel fairly hormonal at times, at the moment (despite the back pains) I am feeling physically blissful. Pregnancy has a very strange way of making you feel powerful in life, perhaps it’s the creating between you, a miracle. A contentedness that you are about to serve a huge purpose in an all new, tiny person’s life.
At our baby’s first scan I felt nervous, of exactly what, I am unsure but as soon as the sonographer turned on the viewing screen I immediately felt at ease seeing our baby’s heartbeat, it’s tiny but formed hands and feet, finger and toes; so clear and delicate! Jake and I are both excited about becoming parents again but also a little scared. Timing wise, I don’t know if you can ever plan the right time to have a baby. I have pondered this a lot over the last few months. What if the right time never comes? And even if it does, nothing can ever prepare you for having a baby except actually having one, even if it’s not your first child! Whether you meticulously plan a baby or it happens by surprise, life will never be the same again, will it?
Life isn’t simple. Life is complicated for everyone but I try to be pragmatic and focus on doing the best that I can. After a somewhat difficult divorce and previously having children within, what I thought was a sort of ‘safety net’ of marriage, this pregnancy in some ways will be very different for me. For both of us, actually. But one thing I’ve learned over the last few years is that you can’t plan life so scrupulously, you take what is handed to you and you make your choices- the best ones for you. We chose to start again, adding to our families, blending them together and on a more personal level, I chose to become a Mother again.
At age 35 I have a good career, I have good health, I’ve fulfilled lots of personal goals, I have a good life filled with a supportive family and wonderful friends and I feel like I have found the right partner in Jake. He is a good person; loyal, caring, honest and he is also a really great Dad. We are well suited and we have the same parenting ethos. I also feel really lucky and thankful that I am able to have another baby, a chance that sadly is not offered to all women. I know that being pregnant and becoming a Mother is precious and compelling and it’s the most wonderful thing in the world, so I am constantly grateful to have had these chances.
As a Mum already, I have strong maternal instinct, I know what I am doing practically and I am confident in my parenting abilities and responsibilities. But I still have concerns. It’s five years since I was pregnant and last time, I suffered arduous pelvic problems. The pain was unbearable and I dread the thought of that reoccurring. But thankfully, although this is a stress, I am not stressing out about it. General worries and anxieties about being pregnant don’t reduce just because you have been pregnant and mothered children previously. Each baby is just as precious and the cargo that I am carrying is a miracle that I am desperate to meet, love and care for, so I know it’s natural to feel like this.
There’s so much to think about, lots of people to consider and of course, the best part- things to buy! But I am excited. I’m excited to choose clothing, practical items and again, immerse myself in a world of baby stuff. So much has changed, I’m really looking forward to the experience. I know it will be likely harder this time round, more tiring, maybe harder physically to recover, but we have plenty of little helpers and Jake and I have each other.
In my last pregnancy I admit I was guilty of wishing time away; I’m impatient and want things…yesterday! It used to baffle me when I heard women say that they enjoyed pregnancy, that they wanted to savour each minute of it. Yes, I cherished those nine months but I was fairly relieved when it was all over to be honest. But this time, I feel differently, perhaps it’s because I know it’s very likely my last baby and after all, there is a true wonderment growing inside me and that’s something to behold.