Two weeks ago we moved house. Two weeks ago everything changed and it has left me very unsettled. I’ve not talked about it here much for a few reasons, but the fact that it has caused me so much uneasiness, I think it’s cathartic to write about it. They say moving house is one of the most stressful things you can do, well I would tend to agree. Throw in a failed relationship, a divorce, being a single parent and sixteen trips to the tip (yes, really) and you may have some idea about how I’m feeling.
I wanted to move house for a while, but I knew that I had to be ready for it. After Dave and I split up I knew that I needed to try keep the kids routine the same (as much as I could..) so that they didn’t feel too unsettled. In fact, I banded around this term at the time to those who asked me, ‘Will you move house now? Isn’t that house too big for you?’ etc. In fact, I continued to use that reasoning for well over a year. After all, Gabriel was starting a new school and Willow a new nursery so I felt it important to keep some things the same; their bedrooms, their belongings and their home.
But you know what? Children are resilient souls. However, I have since learned that I am not and that I should have maybe considered my own feelings a little more in all this change! Two weeks of extremely broken sleep, feeling panicked and feeling sad. Two weeks of a lost appetite, hardly any motivation to unpack or decorate.. or even read, watch television or blog. This isn’t about having a low mood or even feeling depressed. This is about being unsettled, open to a new beginning alone and all of a sudden vulnerable to the world again. I have realised that big house, the one we have left, was my haven. It was my home and the place that made me feel safe and where I could return to and lock the door without it feeling like a strange place. A lot of things changed in that house and it wasn’t always a house full of happiness, but leaving there does feel like I’m losing a part of me. I’m full of fear because I’ve replaced a life I know, with parts I don’t!
So where do I go from here? Do I give it time? Yes, of course I do. In fact, in the last few days, things have improved and we are all more relaxed here. Willow has started to sleep better too after a few nights of waking and confusion, which has made me more relaxed, but I still think it may be a while before this house feels like home.
I wonder if there is a feeling of me pedaling backwards here. When I am moving forward with my life plans, in a very black and white mentality way, I feel like I am being successful and doing well. Going backwards feels, well, backward and I suppose, like a failure of some sort? I had a plan for my life, and although it changes, it’s usually been on a similar track; I want to control my destiny and I want to be happy. I make the decisions here and I can only blame myself when things go wrong. But what I have realised this weekend is, what if this isn’t the wrong direction? It doesn’t feel like part of the plan but maybe that’s exactly what it is. A change in the plan.
Moving to this smaller house and not a house I would want to live in for long (for many, many reasons) isn’t ideal and maybe it will never feel like home, but perhaps I just need to accept it for what it is, a stop-gap and to also stop worrying and start living. As humans we have ever-changing emotions, especially surrounding big events and who knows what’s round the corner?